


Birds do it, Bees do it, even Sans does..? Something?!!

by Agraulis_vanillae



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alphys the Matchmaker, Craft Herpes, F/F, F/M, Humor, Kidnapping, M/M, Mettaton's Friggin' Glitter, Oblivious Papyrus, Oneshot, Other, Shipping, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 03:27:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5952019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agraulis_vanillae/pseuds/Agraulis_vanillae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You have an unreasonable fear of Valentine's day, and boldened by her matchmaking successes, Alphys tries to help you. Of course, with the misguided help of Mettaton and Undyne. </p>
<p>Somehow it works out?!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Birds do it, Bees do it, even Sans does..? Something?!!

Getting close to Valentine's day was like an involuntary approach to madness with Alphys as a friend. You can appreciate a little shipping with the next person, but with Undyne and Frisk by her side, the normally shy little dinosaur suddenly started shipping real life people. As in, she broke the shipping barrier into reality and started actually matchmaking. 

It started (somewhat) innocently enough with Asgore and Toriel, but when they actually humored her and went out for a casual day, she turned her attention to other victims...

You, Mettaton, Papyrus, Sans, Frisk, and Muffet. Well, it's hard to call Frisk an unfortunate victim. They cheerfully flirted with everyone on a daily basis. And you're not really sure how Muffet got roped into the mix?!! So clearly, it was neither voluntary nor anticipated when you were suddenly caught in a headlock by Undyne and dragged into an honest-to-god creeper van with tinted windows.

“Hey punk! Alphys wanted to talk to you!!!”

“So hey l-listen. I know you've said before that you really p-prefer to go nowhere on Valentine's d-day, but I-I really think? You might have fun if you went out?!”

Flabbergasted, you struggled to find an appropriate response to this EXTREMELY inappropriate way of broaching said subject. “Where the hell did you even find this van!!!” you blurted out, with the obvious problem of not actually addressing the situation at hand. 

“Don't worry about it, darling!” For some reason Mettaton had been lounging in the passenger seat. “I'm in the date lottery too, so you won't be alone in your overwhelming fear of commitment.” His exaggerated swooning made you feel a little bit made fun of, and you pouted at all of them.

“Please don't set me up with a stranger,” you whimpered a little. Undyne's death grip finally loosened on your neck into a tight hug, but you were still basically captured.

“N-no! Its just our friends!” Alphys squeaked.

Your eyebrows furrowed with absolute apprehension. “Sounds, uh, incestuous...”

Mettaton gasped, “Absolutely scandalous!!! I love it!”

“WAIT NO DON'T GO MAKING THIS ACTUALLY INCESTUOUS! I have NO idea if Sans is too lazy or if Papyrus is too sweet to murder us and I'm NOT willing to find out!!!”

An ominous silence reigned in the vehicle for a full minute, and you were terrified to think that they might actually pair the unsuspecting brothers when,

“I hadn't actually considered adding Sans, but there are an odd number of people right now..?” Alphys finally responded.

“You know... I don't think I've ever seen Sans on a date. Like, ever,” Undyne mused. 

“What do you think are the chances we can make him play along without using a “shortcut”?” Mettaton asked.

The gravity of your situation fell upon you, and you bury your face into your hands. “I'm so so sorry Sans...”

Unfortunately, it was only a couple of days until Valentine's day, and since the horrible trio considered you the most likely to make an escape attempt, you were legitimately held captive for those days. Seriously, you had Undyne escorting you to class! You tried to sign SOS to Frisk who was with a cheerful oblivious Papyrus, but Frisk stuck their tongue out at you and ran away giggling. You were literally pinned in by conspirators on all sides, and some of them had no idea what was even happening.

Mettaton had also made a point to reject every. Single. Thing. You. Owned. Like, he decided you literally had nothing to wear and just stole your measurements and went shopping. You groaned out loud and Undyne patted your shoulder sympathetically. “It's okay punk.”

So, things were bad when Undyne felt for you.

And things got from bad to worse when Mettaton got home the following Valentine's. Because what he dragged home looked nothing like normal clothes.

Looking in the mirror, in pleather tights and neon lime tank top with HOT PINK!!! splattered across in aforementioned color, your reluctant response was “So you're telling me... either you dress me up like I just got vomited out of prom, or shat out of a rave. This is what you rejected jeans and flannel for? Like, we're glitter and glowsticks away from popping ecstasy, Mettaton. Throw me a bone here, and just let me have my blue jeans... plea...se?” you stopped your griping when Mettaton started chuckling ominously.

“Oh DARLING, its funny you say that...”

A sudden nausea blossomed in your stomach, “Oh please no... no glitter...”

Mettaton smirked like only an asshole with a secret could smirk, and merely responded “Hold perfectly still now~!”

You ran for your life, only managing to literally leap down Alphys's stairs before being clothes-lined in your descent by none other than Undyne. Mettaton practically floated down the stairs and tossed tons of body glitter out over your head. Unable to actually breathe, some of the glitter landed in your mouth and when you finally could inhale you only sputtered and choked painfully on silver powder.

“METTATON! Was that really necessary?!!” Undyne yelled, as if she wasn't an accomplice in your awful experience. 

“Death by Glamour,” he responded primly, patting you down so that you wouldn't be able to shake the glitter off.

Without much warning at all, Alphys showed up with a somewhat confused Sans and Papyrus in tow. Upon seeing you collapsed on the ground like a human paint splatter, Papyrus cheerfully greeted “GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS!!! HOW WAS YOUR WEEK LONG SLEEP OVER?” While Sans only stood there laughing at your miserable state.

*long week? i feel your pain-t.  
You would've groaned at the slight stretch for the pun, but that same breath you gulped sent you in a sneezing fit. Alphys looked at you with worry, and maybe a tinge of sympathy. She muttered, “M-maybe it was a bad idea to let Mettaton help mastermind...”

Frisk skipped in with a “huehuehue-ing” Muffet in tow. The humanoid spider, although adorable, had less compassion for your situation than a teacup and your sneezing fits aside, you only just managed to recover from the beatdown enough to wobble to your feet. You managed to wheeze out,  
“Knock knock.”

Sans perked up and responded accordingly, *who's there?

“Help.”

*...uh... help who?

You just stared at him.

If any of your friends could get you out of this, it would be Sans and his short cuts. Your misery quite apparent, made Sans think twice about being at this odd “hang out”. Alphys pleading for both brothers to show up would have been suspicious by itself, but being Valentine's day made things pretty obvious. 

*i get it, i get it. i wasn't planning on BONing around anyway.

“WAIT NO SANS,” Undyne reached to anchor him by the arm, but he dodged her easily and stepped next to you.

*later bro, have fun on your “date”. try not to go to the “bone zone” without protection.

“OH MY GOD SANS??? NO!!! WHY??!!”

The shortcut literally only took an instant before anyone could think of grabbing you to keep you from flying the proverbial coop.

“So... Alphys..? Did either of them know that they were actually supposed to go a date anyway?” Mettaton asked.

“THEY WERE?!! I thought you were going to send him on a horrible and uncomfortable date with Papyrus?” Undyne roared. “Now we can't even make sure they go an actual date!”

Papyrus yelled “OH MY GOD UNDYNE WHY!!! WOULD YOU DO THAT?!!”

Alphys rubbed her head. “Okay this is a lot tougher than I thought it'd be... b-but mission accomplished? Sort? Of?”

Meanwhile, you were joining Sans in the grand ole custom of chugging ketchup at Grillby's, although you really were just trying to work the worst of the body glitter past your mouth and throat while Sans was actually enjoying himself. 

“I can't believe Mettaton literally fed me glitter... I'm going to be shitting the stuff for like a week,” you moaned. Sans snorted through a bottle mid-gulp and it bubbled up through his nasal cavity.

“Oh my god!!!” you laughed. “I didn't know you guys even had the muscles to do that?!”

*i muscle-t have, right? s'not like i have the lungs to choke on my food with.

“Seriously though, I'm happy to escape, but your puns? Are pretty bad,” you told him rubbing your forehead and shaking it slowly. Your hand came away coated in silver glitter.

“... Bathrooms on the left. Feel free to use as much soap as you need,” Grillby told you quietly, having been listening to you two ramble. The bar was busy as usual, but most of the customers just wanted drinks tonight. You nodded and hopped off the stool, determined not to shed glitter on Grillby's innocent establishment. The process took a long time, and by the time you finally came out, pink-faced and somewhat damp around the hairline, Mettaton's show came on. Wasn't he supposed to be on a date?

“Hello darlings, and welcome to Mettaton's cooking Valentine's special! Allow me to introduce a special guest, and my date for the night, miss Muffet!” Mettaton boomed with his regular sense of drama and showmanship while Muffet giggled and gave a little curtsy. “Tonight we will show you the delicious spidery secrets behind the spider bake sale!”

“Huehuehue, well maybe just one~! Spider candy! As it turns out, one of the things that are commonly eaten above ground are spider lollipops so naturally I had to make a more... quality product out of what they started with...”

“She added more spiders, I'm gonna call it now,” you told Sans sitting on the barstool next to him. “Thanks for the bathroom Grillby's, I cleaned up any glitter in the sink. Could I have a burger? I actually have cash on me, believe it or not.”

*hey that sounds good. i'll have the burg too.

“Actually, I owe you for the save, why don't I just pick up your bill?” you offered. He waved it off though.

*nah, i'll just put on my tab.

“Well, how about this, I pick up the bill tonight, and if you really feel like you need to pay me back, buy me some coffee sometime?” you bargained. He thinks on it for a second, and then grinned amiably,

*eh, takes too much effort to argue.

Grillby nods and takes the order. You're both left in a companionable silence. It wasn't until both of you finished your burgers that Sans finally asks-

*how do you take your coffee?

“Cafe mocha,”

He nods, almost like he knew this.

*do you need help getting home?

You responded in the affirmative. You paid for the food, and Grillby gives you both an affable nod.  
“... have a nice night. Happy Valentine's.”

Sans's shortcut led you straight to your place, and patted the door contentedly. You were never going to take your small apartment for granted again. Or your privacy.

*welp, i'll see ya later, alligator.

You offered a two finger solute, “After awhile crocodile.”

He was there one instant, and not in the next. You reflected on the extreme convenience of such a power, and then chalked it up to Sans's personality. Heading inside and shedding the awful MTT brand clothing, you were even relieved to sleep in your own bed instead of one of those weird, easy to draw cubes that Alphys engineers into a bed. 

In the morning you got a text from Alphys:

-how was your date??? last nite?

Scowling, you texted back:

-Wat madness r u spouting now? I got away, remember? Were you drunk or sumthin?

A few more moments go by and then:

-sans was ur date ;)  
…  
….  
…..

“UGHHHHH!!!” you screamed into a pillow from this revelation. You texted furiously-

-DID SANS KNOW ABOUT THIS?!! WAS HE IN ON IT?!! NO WAY!!! RIGHT?!!

Alphy's unnecessarily fragmented response came in three parts. With even more unnecessary tension.

-well we didn't actually?!!

-tell him? 

-that was supposd 2 b revealed b4 u ran away

You heaved a sigh of relief, feeling a little less conned, and then you remembered that you asked him to buy you coffee after class. And then a strong flush of embarrassment made you bury your head into your pillow again. Huh uh. You were not telling Alphys about THAT. You finally sent one last text before vowing to ignore Alphys for the rest of the day:

-also mettaton and glitter is banned from me. 4 always. I will lose my shit if I see him with glitter again, like ptsd style lose my shit

You paused again, and then sent her this LAST text. Serious, last one.

-btw did muffet add mor spiders 2 spider candy? she totally did, didn't she

Her response made you fist bump, with your face still buried in the pillow. Called it.

That same morning, Sans was snoozing on the couch during a Mettaton rerun when Papyrus asked,

“HEY SANS HOW DID NOT-DATING GO LAST NIGHT?!”

*fine bro. just went to Grillby's and home. how was the bone zone?

“SANS. STOP THAT AWFUL PUN, JUST STOP!! ALSO, I HAD A LOVELY PLATONIC SPAGHETTI TEA PARTY WITH FRISK. TORIEL MADE A NON-EGGY QUICHE KNOWN AS BUTTERSCOTCH CINNAMON PIE AND GAVE THE GREAT PAPYRUS SOME TO GIVE TO HIS LAZY BRO-” Papyrus's face narrowed suspiciously. “WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED TO _____?”

*she went to grillby's with me.

Sans was never quite as confused as he was when Papyrus started laughing hard enough to bust a non-existing gut. He sat smiling mildly, just waiting for his bro to let him in on the joke.

“SO YOU DID GO ON A DATE LAST NIGHT!!! NYEH HEH HEH!!! ALPHYS IS SURPRISINGLY CLEVER!!! SHE MUST'VE KNOWN YOU COULDN'T RESIST PLAYING HOOKY AND MADE ____, YOUR PARTNER IN CRIME, YOUR PROJECTED DATE!!!”

Sans face went entirely blank. 

“WHAT I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT IS HOW ALPHYS KNEW ____ COULD TOLERATE SUCH GREASY FOOD?”

Papyrus's loud grousing triggered a memory from last night, in response, he flipped his hoodie up and squeezed the strings to close it in on the threatening skele-flush.

“WHAT?!! SANS WHY ARE YOU HIDING? TELL ME! I REQUIRE HONESTY!!!” Papyrus shook him, rattling his bones inside his hoodie refuge. Slowly, he admitted,

*i, uh, might've promised to get ____ coffee at some point.

Papyrus squealed and pulled Sans in a bone-crushing hug. “NYEEE MY LAZY BRO ACTUALLY EARNED A SECOND DATE!! WOWIE! YOUR DATING POWER MUST BE OFF THE CHARTS!!!I HAVE TO TELL FRISK AND UNDYNE!!!!!”

*please don't.

**Author's Note:**

> I literally had to wait weeks just to post this ;_; But now its finally Valentine's week! Look forward to the next segment of Cooking & Odd Events in a few day.  
> By the way, I'd totally go to a spaghetti tea party. 'Course, I'd totally smooch a ghost/skelly too, but that's beside the point.


End file.
